Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Let's face it, if you're like us, you're hot, if you're hot you have options, if you have options you need to know them. So we have taken it upon ourselves to catalogue of the ten stereotypical men of our decade, a how to of sorts to help girls like you decide who to bill, fuck, or marry. So here, in no particular order, are the

1. Name: Mr. Burns Age: 60+ 
Mr. Burns comes armed with a black AmEx in his back pocket and a little blue pill in his front. He enjoys long walks on the private beaches of Italy (although you may only travel a short distance) and steamy sponge baths in his gold plated bathtub. He might not be around for much longer, but long enough to make you ashamed of conceding to the weird kinky shit he enjoys in the penthouse bedroom.

2. Name: The Fratstar Age: 20+
The Fratstar comes with student loans and a smile you swear could pay for them. He's a complete tool to anyone and everyone and you find it endearing that the shallow douchebag chose you. He has a high risk of sleeping with your mom/best friend and an even higher risk of becoming a landscaper but you're cool with living off of love ( and the quality blow he scores off his frat brothers)/

3. Name: Megamind Age: 35+
After years of being teased for his cokebottle glasses and melonlike figure, Megamind decided to stop whacking it to japanese anime porn and make something of himself. Instead of going all Columbine he developed some software/prototype /interface/something equally dull and made bank. He might be packin, he might not be, but you will certainly find out when you give him his first handjob.

4. Name: Bob   Age:20+
Bob is so cute, cut, and clean-shaven. He works at a bank and cycles for fun/fitness. He makes enough money to live comfortably and buys you what you want, he is perfect. Everyone loves bob and says he is the nicest guy. The one flaw with Bob is that he is so painfully average, being his housewife would require you to have some sort of Nancy Botwin-esque nightlife or just enough weed to seem like you give half a fuck about politics or little Johnny's progress in soccer.

5. Name: The Kingpin Age: 20+ or 40+
The kingpin is complicated, but very easy to spot. He starts off in his 20s as either a buff surfer or a fat miami guy with a heavy accent. His dad makes enough money to hire a fleet of white slaves and he spends enough to get you high enough to fall in love with him. He is smart, fascinating, and drives a G wagon. One potential problem is that he is not shallow at all and hates shallow people and you are hotter than that.

6. Name: The Promking Age: he forgot
You would have dated him in high school, maybe you even did in college, the promking was the man. He had it all and peaked from ages 15-20, going from winning state champs to fratting it out in the top tier in college. He's as dumb as wood, which holds a constant position in his sweatpants. He carrys more STD's than the bus to the free clinic, the number for both of which is higher than his IQ. In adulthood, he teaches gym or has some equally pov (< our word for poor) job but stays pretty hot apart from some serious residual roid rage.

7. Name: The Unicorn Age: 25+
This man is actually perfect, he has a sizeable inheritance as well as a company he started on his own. He is groomed, gentlemanly and mature, Christian Grey without the kink. He might be a sweatervested GDI you meet in college or a night in shining armani you meet at a bar. He is better dressed than your gay bestie who also wants to steal him, you know he will be a silver fox. The drawback of the Unicorn vary, but please be advised that you should put up with all that you can because unicorns are more rare than they are majestic.

8. Name: Fabio Age: 28+
Fabio is an artist, and the sex is amazing. He is charming and selfish at once and he really knows how to do anything except make a lot of money. You fall in love with him like the 20 before you and the 400 after you, Fabio does not commit but lives the beautiful life. 

9. Name: This Guy Age: under 30
He is hot as hell and has no idea. He is pretty smart, very nice, and kind of shy, this guy would die for you and sell his soul for his mother. He doesn't do drugs or get in fights but will love you more when you show him the beauty of them. All this guy wants is to love and all you want is for him to be less of a pussy. 

10. Name: The Mistake Age: 18+
This guy has 3 kids and gives 0 fucks. He comes with a grafitti can and an IV of heroin, he is the reason you lose your trust fund. You hookup with him drunkenly in a bar bathroom and continue the affair cause you already have the herp so why not. You know this will end horribly but he's not to bad to bone for awhile.


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