Thursday, July 18, 2013

All that matters is the beautiful life

We are 2 girls in their early twenties with enough humility to be always on a diet and never in a crop top. Just because we have $2K to drop on a louis vuitton doesn't mean we wont spend an hour of our time flirting with any of his many well dressed salespeople. we recognize that the answers our young minds posess have more depth than the questions others can conjure, but that does not make us better than them. It just makes us smarter.
    We know that weird kids turn into awesome adults and rich kids develop weird drug fetishes. Basic bitches end up in working in cubicles, living in denial, and dying thinking orange is a color rather than an eyesore (sorry Hermes). wars are waged, hearts are broken, and everyone is constantly trying to prove to everyone that they aren't what they seem. the majority aims to shock their past self and impress their future self by dissecting their present self, a process that tears the soul to pieces that some spend their lives trying to collect.
    So today, dear readers, we implore you to be what you are. If you're "weird" congrats, you at least are not a bore. If you're "flamboyant," turn it into art, if you're "stupid" you will find happiness more easily, if you're a "bitch," see you in law school; if you're "boring" read and quote this blog on the reg, and so on, this isn't a fucking self help blog. The fact of the matter is that we all have labels, and rather than trying to conceal/change yours, own it. Your life is not about you, its about the people you effect and the encounters you have. If you want to spend your life looking over your shoulder at what other people are doing/thinking/saying then do the world a favor and stay off the roads. lol
                xoxo,
                   the weirdest, richest bitches you know

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Let's face it, if you're like us, you're hot, if you're hot you have options, if you have options you need to know them. So we have taken it upon ourselves to catalogue of the ten stereotypical men of our decade, a how to of sorts to help girls like you decide who to bill, fuck, or marry. So here, in no particular order, are the

1. Name: Mr. Burns Age: 60+ 
Mr. Burns comes armed with a black AmEx in his back pocket and a little blue pill in his front. He enjoys long walks on the private beaches of Italy (although you may only travel a short distance) and steamy sponge baths in his gold plated bathtub. He might not be around for much longer, but long enough to make you ashamed of conceding to the weird kinky shit he enjoys in the penthouse bedroom.

2. Name: The Fratstar Age: 20+
The Fratstar comes with student loans and a smile you swear could pay for them. He's a complete tool to anyone and everyone and you find it endearing that the shallow douchebag chose you. He has a high risk of sleeping with your mom/best friend and an even higher risk of becoming a landscaper but you're cool with living off of love ( and the quality blow he scores off his frat brothers)/

3. Name: Megamind Age: 35+
After years of being teased for his cokebottle glasses and melonlike figure, Megamind decided to stop whacking it to japanese anime porn and make something of himself. Instead of going all Columbine he developed some software/prototype /interface/something equally dull and made bank. He might be packin, he might not be, but you will certainly find out when you give him his first handjob.

4. Name: Bob   Age:20+
Bob is so cute, cut, and clean-shaven. He works at a bank and cycles for fun/fitness. He makes enough money to live comfortably and buys you what you want, he is perfect. Everyone loves bob and says he is the nicest guy. The one flaw with Bob is that he is so painfully average, being his housewife would require you to have some sort of Nancy Botwin-esque nightlife or just enough weed to seem like you give half a fuck about politics or little Johnny's progress in soccer.

5. Name: The Kingpin Age: 20+ or 40+
The kingpin is complicated, but very easy to spot. He starts off in his 20s as either a buff surfer or a fat miami guy with a heavy accent. His dad makes enough money to hire a fleet of white slaves and he spends enough to get you high enough to fall in love with him. He is smart, fascinating, and drives a G wagon. One potential problem is that he is not shallow at all and hates shallow people and you are hotter than that.

6. Name: The Promking Age: he forgot
You would have dated him in high school, maybe you even did in college, the promking was the man. He had it all and peaked from ages 15-20, going from winning state champs to fratting it out in the top tier in college. He's as dumb as wood, which holds a constant position in his sweatpants. He carrys more STD's than the bus to the free clinic, the number for both of which is higher than his IQ. In adulthood, he teaches gym or has some equally pov (< our word for poor) job but stays pretty hot apart from some serious residual roid rage.

7. Name: The Unicorn Age: 25+
This man is actually perfect, he has a sizeable inheritance as well as a company he started on his own. He is groomed, gentlemanly and mature, Christian Grey without the kink. He might be a sweatervested GDI you meet in college or a night in shining armani you meet at a bar. He is better dressed than your gay bestie who also wants to steal him, you know he will be a silver fox. The drawback of the Unicorn vary, but please be advised that you should put up with all that you can because unicorns are more rare than they are majestic.

8. Name: Fabio Age: 28+
Fabio is an artist, and the sex is amazing. He is charming and selfish at once and he really knows how to do anything except make a lot of money. You fall in love with him like the 20 before you and the 400 after you, Fabio does not commit but lives the beautiful life. 

9. Name: This Guy Age: under 30
He is hot as hell and has no idea. He is pretty smart, very nice, and kind of shy, this guy would die for you and sell his soul for his mother. He doesn't do drugs or get in fights but will love you more when you show him the beauty of them. All this guy wants is to love and all you want is for him to be less of a pussy. 

10. Name: The Mistake Age: 18+
This guy has 3 kids and gives 0 fucks. He comes with a grafitti can and an IV of heroin, he is the reason you lose your trust fund. You hookup with him drunkenly in a bar bathroom and continue the affair cause you already have the herp so why not. You know this will end horribly but he's not to bad to bone for awhile.



Thursday, December 6, 2012

So Fetch!

 Okay so desperate housewives is over, boo hoo. We've had our own version of that when we visit our mothers anyway. So we didn't watch the VS fashion show but were tumbling and saw Cara Delevigne and she looks JUST LIKE Lynette's daughter (Darcy Rose Byrnes). Just saying it so its said
Note: Not the Same Bitch

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Dieting: A Love Story

We, unlike Kelly Osbourne, know that an interest in fashion requires you to be entirely and beautifully skinny as fuck. Like you have to look good and have great posture and not think twice about eating foods with vowels (thanks BetchesLoveThis). As if theres more to life than shopping, clubbing, iced coffee, doing lines, gossip girl, and diet coke. Theres nothing more un BRUNCH than jiggly bits (tits excluded, ovbi) and cellulite. To be a BRUNCH girl you deff have to look unquestionable fucking hot. Guys like fatties about as much as they like reading. And we all know the fat friend is the one who ends up driving everyone and their guys home in someone else's lexus. If you want to share clothes with your fellow BRUNCH girls you ovbi have to FIT INTO THEM. Like sorry if we're not willing to let your cancels stretch out our Loubs. And okay like our moms married rich so we don't have to but that doesn't mean you have to live a sub-par life and marry some game programmer that loves you because you're rich and nobody else does. Like everybody hated Jessie on NYC Prep and even her gay BFF called her a "fat cunt." Just because your fam is like totally loaded doesn't mean you shouldn't strive for more. Wouldn't you rather have your own jet than be in that bullshit Netjet timeshare club!


Thursday, August 30, 2012

PLL and Sex

We've noticed that 4 bitches is the name of the game since our fav 2000s drama, Sex & The City. There was concrete jungle early in the decade starring Brooke Shields and her eyebrows, Desperate Housewives which was pretty fab if you're into MILFs, Girls, and now theres Pretty Little Liars. We've pretty much steered clear of anything on ABC family since, like, ever, especially now that they've joined on the TV show about a teen slut that fucked up her life by not taking the pill, or even plan B, like what did you expect?! But the constant media attention surrounding this show and snapshots of the show blowing up our Tumblr and Twitter timelines has caused us to tune in, and we are the first to realize that it smells of Sex & the City minus the now vintage hand-me-downs.

Aria embodies Carrie because they both have stupid fucking issues that they constantly bitch about. Like who cares that your parents are having issues, now you get to whore around and be your BF's jailbait while Mommy thinks you're at Daddy's place and vise verse. Also the clothes, we mean Carrie touted vintage while Aria takes it upon herself to hunt for clothes in the sale bin of Rosewood's own Salvation Army, but its kind of the same thing right, if you're poor.

Hannah's curvy body and high-school-provocative outfits indubitably wreak of the same Chanel Mademoiselle worn by Samantha Jones herself. They're both the hottest and therefore the true stars of the show and have self esteem issues (on opposite ends of the spectrum, ovbi). Their self control is almost as lacking as our interest in a show about bland highschoolers being blackmailed by someone in black leather gloves that aren't even Hermes-seriously, how much damage could they do.

Emily is Miranda. Hello, dyke! We know that Miranda wasn't exactly a muff diver on the show but we always had an inkling that she inked her pantsuit for anything leggy and busty despite the RJ Burger-esque man she was always whining about. And Spencer is kinda like Miranda  too 'cause they're both certifiably fugly and dress like they're trying to hide a chastity belt. But mostly she's Charlotte because they have that whole preppy-by-default-because-my-parents-are-the-stuck-up-kind-of-rich thing going on that totally works for them. And finally Spence pulled the twig out of her ass and let something only slightly bigger to take its place when she shed her khakis for Toby. First of all, we thought his sister was the one with vision issues and secondly they could pass for sibs, what with the matching cleft chins, but we hear he has a thing for incest. So tune in in October to see yourself some Pretty Little Liars, and Spencer.



Binnngeee and Purge!

Nobody likes a tease, whether its flirting with a frat guy all night to find out he has whiskey dick when it comes time to preform or clicking and clicking again only to find out that that free iPad you were promised was a scam. What hates the tease most of all is your body. Bulimia is not a disease or a disorder, it is simply what the most naive of teen girls think to be a quick fix.

Just as the "Benddd and snap!" technique gained popularity among the minorities in that Cambridge beauty salon, bulimia is growing almost as fast the waistline of its patrons. Don't do it people, its very un-BRUNCH and un-classy. Voming is for frosh, middle american roadtrippers, and expectant mothers (its a girl!).




Now we'd like to take a minute, just sit right there. We'll tell you about how you'll be known as that bitch with no hair...and green, eroded teeth; being more bloated than Luke Wilson in that AT&T commercial; and having skin that makes Tara Reid look tighter than a 10 year old asian boy. And what webMD won't tell you... you actually gain a lot of weight and lose a lot of energy. We mean if you're gonna pick an ED, pick something more posh like what Emily Blunt did in the Devil Wears Prada...kidding!


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Photos

We've all taken pics of our drunken friends or our dogs in a tutu, but the BRUNCH girls know that real photography takes skill. Its easy enough to drop a paycheck on a decked out Nikon and snap shots of a grinning baby or an average landscape, but don't think any outcome is Conde Nast worthy. Because its easy enough to throw on a pair of black leggings and matching tank with like black-framed glasses and a pair of chucks and get into virtually any event you lost your invite for we appreciate this activity as simply because it requires little to no qualification to deem yourself a "photographer." Ovbi we've seen our share of photos that make us gape long enough to need a dose of Burt's (whether in horror or awe) but don't show us snapshots you've taken at your fat cousin's wedding and expect us to be impressed.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Swooning for Spoons!

We again post about the wide variety of jewels etsy has to offer 'cause were addicted and we just can't get enough! We recently discovered jewelry made from antique silver spoons which is about as awesome as the necklaces we posted about made from civil war bullet casings. The spoons have a much happier past, when we wear ours we think about their past; the occasions, conversation, food, purchasing, and polishing they were present for. It means a lot to us to have some jewelry with character, these are perf for you if grandma didn't leave you any tiffany diamonds or cartier watches. 




Monday, July 23, 2012

GIRLS just wanna get some

HBO's girls has just concluded its final season with a surprise wedding between a man with a 3 thousand dollar rug and a British Rhianna. This show is like a modern day sex in the city with 4 different types of women girls: an unemployed one with self-image issues, a careless free-spirited and spontaneous one, a virgin, and an uptight whiny one. Who do you think we love? Yes, and her name is Marnie but in real life her name is Allison Williams, Yale Grad (which explains why she's good at acting uptight) and daughter of the one and only Brian Williams! Plus she's totally the hottest one, which explains why her boyfriend is so adorable (we feel like hes an adventurous, hippie type but cannot explain why). This show is great because its so unbelievably real. Now we're going to feed you the best line of the season, delivered exquisitely by that one guy from SNL.

Tumblr's Best

Although more inspired than inspiring, we must admit our time has fallen victim to the site in which lusty teens post photos of attractive things on. Eyes are the windows to the soul (song reference: Eyes by Kaskade...hear it) after all, so why not give them some hard earned candy (well hard earned if you were front row at the Rachel Zoe Resort 2013 show). Heres some good ones:
Persuit of happiness 
Long Island Prep
Wicked Preppy
Sailing in Sperrys
Forbidden Fruit
Vogue
Your E-Cards
What Bitches Love
Cosmic
See it Want it



we go together like burberry & bentley

What goes with silver, gold, tans, and sunburns and remains to be the most stunning trend in jewelry we've yet seen? Rose Gold! Its the easy way to wear bulky jewelry and still look legit. Our absolute fav is our new Burberry watch , pretty affordable at $650.
Photo cred actually goes to the BRUNCH girls and it's not excellent but we did the best for driving my dad's Bently 70 mph in a 50 zone, down a bridge, with workers present... Here's some more rose gold





Are We Gold enough for you?

Although the greatest character ever produced on television- Ari Gold- is more dead than the eyes of a starving model, he lives on in our hearts and minds. It saddens us that his clever quips, pithy lines, inspired retorts, and quotable tyrades will never again fill our ears again, but we always have our memories (and seasons 1-4 on DVD). We have an announcement for those who know us best: our lovely readers. We have decided to persue a potential career path: entertainment agent. We want to work together at scouting actors, negotiating contracts, and shouting at the overweight gaysian assistant we will indubitably hire. Tell us what you think!



So were back from doing some soul-searching (its not in the french Rivera, Santa Barbara, Brighton, or Venice BTW) and countless episodes of true blood, good wife, weeds, and that monstrosity they call glee have done nothing to revive our depression scorched souls. We believe that our soul belongs here, writing this blog putting our fast and many thoughts out there to be read by strangers. Here's today's Brunch:


Preppy is the name of the game. Since puberty, preppy has been our go-to style. We spring for anything collared, seersucker, or cable knit. Now, the contemptible mainstream has snagged what used to be reserved for those of us that get bi-monthly JCrew, Brooks Brothers, and Ralph Lauren Catalogues and own at least 3 strands of Tiffany pearls. Anchors are stuck on anything from belly-button rings to Forever 21 swimsuits and Sperry's are now worn with crop-tops and sweatpants. A preppy dresser has always been a sure sign of class, but with this abomination, an introspection of how people are has become even more nebulous. If you've become fashionably lost, preppy will provide you with a great deal of structure. Look at our favorite Die-hard prepster's blog @ http://www.classygirlswearpearls.com, in which the ever-adorable Nantucket prep Sarah Vickers scrapbooks her daily looks and advertises her boyfriend's (?) jewelry and accessory line: Kiel James Patrick.The best part? She tells you where all of her cute clothes are from!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

THE TRUTH ABOUT MUSIC

“Indeed, music has always made life considerably more brilliant. It can make an OK kiss an electrifying pash, an ordinary breakup feel like death. It can turn crossing the street into a movie moment, a new day feel like a new lease on life. This is our salute to music.”
— Stevie Dance - RUSSH magazine.

Monday, August 8, 2011

we break with speed that girl can read MY RACING THOUGHTS

As promised, Jack's Mannequin is on the way to releasing a new album! They recently released MY RACING THOUGHTS, a catchy, yet entirely meaningless song that is too personal for anyone to possibly lust over. Marriage is the worst thing an artist can do, Michael Buble's dull song 'Hollywood' is a shining example of such. Confusion, suffering, and the pursuit of happiness are the pillars of truly great expression. Looking back, or to the future, or the distance in between is what we live for. Beauty is not always dreary, but the memory of something dismal in the mind of the creator is necessary. The creation process requires a certain spark, and who would ever start a fire in the sunshine?

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Lash Out

never a beauty blog, but always a thing of beauty, we're going to tell you about the best mascaras. Tested on party animals. All available at a store near you.

Givenchy phenomen'eyes    







Clinique Lash Doubling 



Maybelline One By One


Maybelline Falsies 


Lancome Hypnose



Harlotte Lash Candy




Chanel Inimitable: Brown

Pale Pink Makes Us Blush

Give us something to believe in. In a world deprived of inspiration and polluted with corruption, accessories are the only thing we can trust and purchase with a glint of hope for the days to come. 


Valentino

Monday, June 13, 2011

New Bag for the Plane

Give TSA the thrill they've been seeking, and eventually blue balls. You can buy a knockoff on zazzle

Blame It On the Model Broad with the Hollywood Smile

Nous Regrettons!!! We broke a promise to post more, and now we are in your debt. This is not a place we find ourselves often and we detest it, we, like Blair Waldorf, are "in debt to no one!" We titled the post after another of our favorite things to do, Jam. Novacane by Frank Ocean is just one of many of our favorites on our rockstar summer playlist! We roll up, around in the sand, dough for the crust of our summer berry pie, witty lines off our tongues, but not in the motherfucking DEEP. It is one of those obnoxious, overplayed songs that make us greatful the car has an ipod jack. It is the kind of song you listen to later in life and all you can think about is what was going on in your life when you used to listen to it, and wonder why you listened to it in the first place. We hate that. We live for the future, the now, and the anticipation and excitement in between. Never the past, we leave that to the Mrs. Havishams of the world. ENJOY LIFE and the 40% off sales being held at every hot store and Boutique including Chloe and Barneys!!! We'll return soon!

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Under Preassure but We're Feeling Weightless

Never Wake Us From this Wet Dream!

If we had to share eternity with one stranger it would be this man! Its like we know him, his deeply personal thoughts and emotions seep through every single word he- sings. Most intimacy with writers and artists occurs whilst you are alone reading what they wrote in your own voice, seeing it in your own head. We now know that music fuels us more than any substance in the world. It is from another realm. But not all music, just Andy's. All our lives, everything amazing has been real or imagination, but what is andy's music? What can articulate your thoughts, fuel your own imagination, and physically give you chills more than Jack's Mannequin. When our ipods skip to a song of Andrew's, so do our hearts. Suddenly its just us and the music and our minds and our ears and our thoughts. It truly is magic. Give it to someone instead of hot tea to warm them. It cannot be appreciated by all, only a few people know what we are talking about, something so otherworldly and inspired that you must share it with the world. C and I bonded over this, something I did not even think I would be able to describe even to her had taken its course in her soul too. Thank you, Andrew McMahon for being king of our souls. The albums probably coming out in fall but the songs are buzzing around youtube and such. My Racing Thoughts is the new Resolution.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Don't buy Jergins

What harm can tinted lotion do right? Wrong. We tried it and turned george hamilton orange. This is not okay with us, yet i believe it is our own fault for being too lazy to tan. When we stated our greivances to a mutual friend, she said "what has self tanner ever done, besides create its own race?" Earning her password privileges so she will be blogging with us, just another person at the head of the brunch table.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter

Enjoy one of our favorite holidays, easter is the new thanksgiving.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Spring Must Haves: PART 1

Wake up world! Stop buying hundreds of cheap, fugly bags and buy one gorgeous classic (or more than one)!! We have finally emerged from our  coma and have been cast into the wonderful world of bags that aren't black and go with everything. And the bigger the bag, the better, we have too many flashbacks of the sixth graders in middle school getting teen spirit (or armpit sweat, if you hate euphemisms) all over their teeny Louis Vuitton. We rarely settle for anything smaller than a hobo, and anything shrunken (that comes in a bigger, fuller size) reminds us of build-a-bear and american girl dolls. Here's the pap list:

Miu Miu




Who says bags cannot be wall colors?


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Prada!!

Since Miu Miu was launched, all of our Prada now belongs to mommy, which is probably why we did not notice that they have an online store! We would truly be more internet savvy if we lived somewhere else where there was nothing better to do, like Idaho (channeling Napolean Dynamite, which we would watch only after inhaling a vacum cleaner bag, trying to dress for less, and performing other Saw style tasks). Sorry for the less frequent posts once again, we still blame Gossip Girl and SVW's depressingly fugly man. Check out the EStore!!





Shoes, $420 ;) DON'T BUY THESE UNLESS YOU'RE BOARDING A PLANE TO MEMPHIS